[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟏𝟒] 𝟒 𝐟𝐭 𝟏𝟏⁣

𝟐𝟏 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞, 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐦𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐕𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐲

[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟏𝟒] 𝟒 𝐟𝐭 𝟏𝟏⁣
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I went to see yet another psychotherapist. Not as a patient, though I wouldn't be opposed to that. This psychotherapist used to be my philosophy and ethics teacher at secondary school. I emailed the school and got her email address, and organised a time to drop in. She looks the same as when she taught me 18 years ago. She lives in a big house near a village where one of my school friends was based. She has two big dogs, a gentle older alsatian and a humongous golden retriever who spent most of our time trying to sit on my lap. This is a smart woman.⁣
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I got on with her even as a teenager; she’s charismatic. Good teaching also works as entertainment, and she knows how to bring different parts of herself to different situations. We talked about many interesting things, including the fact she remembers me. Apparently, I should take this as a compliment, as she’s taught many students, but I suspect this is more about my parents working at the school. It tends to jog people’s memories. The other thing about her is that she’s short. She did the whole ‘I’m sure you’re like Hagrid compared to me’ thing, which I’m sure trips off her tongue. But actually, there’s not much in it. She’s about 4ft 10, but it’s hard to tell as she always has massive platform heels. I’m 4 ft 11. I always try to wear flats, I feel much more like myself when I’m my height. But I thought she was awesome when I was a teenager, I can remember looking at her and thinking 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦; 𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. My sister is also tiny. Being short is part of my identity. I didn’t grow much past the age of 14.⁣
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She’s another one I was consulting about Safe House, the midwives group I want to run, but her answer led to a much bigger conversation about the nature of psychological support and how it works. We discussed her background and the reason for training as a psychotherapist. Part of this was that her stepdad abused her throughout childhood. He’s now in prison. I’m not sure what makes my teacher/friend one of the people that has bounced back from such an ordeal, but she recommended I read 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘶𝘣𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘈𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘎𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘍𝘶𝘤𝘬 so I can make some assumptions. I’m not glibly suggesting trauma can be ignored. It's just that the work involves finding out what to pay attention to and what to disregard.⁣
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I found the conversation challenging in places. She mentioned that midwives can sometimes flap when it comes to suicidal ideation. She suggested every human has times when they imagine taking their own life, and that’s very normal. Particularly when sleep deprived. I said I could relate to that (the flapping). Suicide is still a leading cause of direct maternal death and so we try to be very hot on referrals/crisis team. I didn’t have a good response really. It’s still something I find hard to talk and think about, and the first thing I’d do would be to seek help. Something to reflect on.⁣
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I think overall, what I’ve learnt from my teacher is that whatever your weaknesses, put them front and centre. Decorate them, and put them in 6-inch platform shoes. Personify them by getting a massive and excitable puppy. I am fairly anxious, I overthink everything and I have vestibular migraines which makes all of that so much worse. Extra training in some kind of mental health field would help me own that.⁣
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Maybe that’s why I’m collecting psychotherapist friends and acquaintances at the moment. There’s an amazing training program here in Cambridge; it’s student-led, meaning not many essays or academic tasks, it’s more the group moves through training by discovery and immersion. You need to be having ongoing psychotherapy yourself. It’s not expensive to train, and you can take as long as you want to get qualified. I’m sorely tempted. Safe House and the written application/interview coaching will tide me over for a bit in terms of the conversations I want to be having. But I’d be lying if I said my long-term plan wasn’t to do psychotherapy. Midwife psychotherapy, though. I have no intention of ever leaving this profession now I’ve found it again.⁣
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