Moderation

Every so often in the Secret Community, we have a post about baby death or other content which in other groups must have a trigger warning. After going to lots of conferences and training on infant loss, and working with bereaved parents behind the scenes, the overwhelming feeling is that trigger warnings make things worse. Please see bereaved Dad and activist Chris Binnie’s words below, which I don’t think I can better.* Essentially, covering up baby death is more of a problem for many than posts without trigger warnings.⁣

𝗪𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬. 𝗪𝐞’𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲. 𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞, 𝐰𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝. 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐦@𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬.𝐜𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 **summarise** 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬.⁣

*Please see useful links at the end of this post

*If you want to use a trigger warning this is of course up to you

*𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘉𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦, 𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯i𝘵𝘺 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴:⁣

'Trigger warnings about baby death aren’t helpful (in my opinion), and this is why:⁣

I’ve taken some time this evening to collect my thoughts on this as a few people have messaged me on the back of a recent post asking me about trigger warnings in the context of baby loss.⁣⁣

I cannot speak for all bereaved parents, nor would I try to, but in the eight years since my son Henry died, I’ve discussed this issue with hundreds of them and found them sharing an almost unanimous position on it. Trigger warnings - whilst unquestionably well-intentioned - are counter-productive.⁣⁣

Surviving after the death of your baby is a uniquely challenging and traumatic ordeal. But it isn’t the only traumatic thing that can happen to parents in the perinatal period, and trauma is very individual. Something one person finds triggering won’t be for another. ⁣

If there needs to be a trigger warning or imagery hidden away for one potentially triggering aspect of pregnancy/birth, then there needs to be consideration given to applying that exact same protocol to every single post. A really uplifting post about a home birth could be deeply triggering to someone who wanted one but was transferred in. A really positive post with beautiful imagery of a natural birth or a water birth could be deeply triggering to someone who wanted one but ended up with an EMCS. I get that content about baby death can be upsetting, but it’s also beholden on us to ensure that we’re protecting ourselves from trauma - by turning off notifications for the group, for example, and only going into it when you’re mentally prepared. Bereaved parents become masters of muting or unfollowing friends to achieve this. ⁣

In my experience over eight years regularly discussing this issue with both many perinatal professionals and many fellow bereaved parents, the consensus is really clear. Bereaved parents understand that life does not come with trigger warnings. I was working 2 1/2 hours from home when my partner rang me out of the blue to tell me our son had died at 38w gestation and that I needed to come home. That was the single most traumatic aspect of the whole experience for me, looking back now.⁣

In the months that followed his birth, first couple of years perhaps, I was hugely triggered by living newborns, specifically boys. I went out of my way to avoid them wherever possible. I found ways to protect myself when I needed to. I attended the local baby loss charity’s annual remembrance event about a year and a half after Henry died, and a fellow bereaved parent that I knew had just had a rainbow baby, a son born from a pregnancy after loss. Inexplicably, she spent a large part of the event trying to convince me to hold and have a cuddle with her son. After about two hours I agreed, just to make her leave me alone. I cried more that night than I had in months. But the world doesn’t come with trigger warnings - you just learn coping and avoidance strategies.⁣⁣

Bereaved parents - at least the ones I speak to - also understand the unintended consequence of trigger warnings. They start off as well-intentioned ways of protecting US from being exposed to trauma. But the reality is that we live with this trauma every single day. I don’t need a Facebook post about stillbirth to make me aware of how traumatic stillbirth is. I know.⁣

What trigger warnings end up doing is acting as a protective shield for the people who DON’T know what this feels like. It gives them a get-out, a warning flag to scroll on past and not engage with something upsetting. The problem with taboos and stigmas though, is that to break them down, it needs those who DON’T live with them already to engage with them.⁣

It may mean 15 minutes of discomfort before you continue with your day, but it broadens the conversation and shines a light into the dark corners of a hidden world that some of us inhabit through no choice of our own - and that’s no choice even if someone came into this hidden world as a result of TFMR, which whilst framed as a choice, isn’t really - you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. TFMR is even a taboo within the taboo of baby loss, and it also needs to be talked about really frankly and openly in its own right if that’s to be overcome.⁣

I can (almost) see the argument for trigger warnings about baby death in general society, but I’m really struggling with the concept of them being mandated in a place like this wonderful community. Because upsetting aspects of midwifery are no less aspects of midwifery simply because they’re upsetting. If this is your chosen profession, then the fact that sometimes babies die is an unavoidable reality of your career path.⁣⁣

We can’t just pretend they don’t exist because they make people uncomfortable. And of COURSE they make people uncomfortable. If any of you ever get to the stage where the reality of babies dying DOESN’T make you uncomfortable or upset, it’s my plea to you to please reflect on whether this is the career for you. This IS upsetting, and the key is harnessing that sadness and using it to provide positive and compassionate care.⁣⁣

For many bereaved parents - and I know many that are members of this group - talking openly about their baby that died is the only way they can actually parent. Censoring that, or hiding it behind a trigger warning, is actually deeply hurtful. It also creates a two-tier standard of knowledge and understanding about this issue. People who really want to engage with it and learn more, do better, or improve the care they give, will go past a trigger warning and engage with the post to educate themselves - but they’re already motivated to provide compassionate care. People who would rather not think about it will often scroll past and miss that opportunity to educate themselves because it’s uncomfortable. But often THESE are the people who need to improve. I’ve seen it countless times delivering bereavement training days, the people who turn up to the days are often the ones who are already better or more engaged. The same applies here.⁣⁣

Trigger warnings are a legacy from a less open society that’s slowly disappearing. Improving bereavement care has come a long way from the days of thinking the best thing for parents was not to see their baby and just go home, to they could see their baby but not hold them, to where we are now with a wide array of incredible opportunities to make memories with your baby - ink prints, clay imprints, 3D casts via Judha's Cloud, photo shoots, Remember My Baby cold cots, hospices, memory boxes from 4Louis, the list goes on, and great charities like Beyond Bea Charity that will help you as professionals and students both destigmatise this issue and deliver better care for these families.⁣* (See links below)⁣

As an aside, if you’re doing memory making for a family, please always remember to offer them the chance to be active participants in that memory making - our memories are the intangible acts of the things we do, the things we take home are merely the physical manifestations of them. Get parents (not just the birthing person) involved if they want to be - offer choices.⁣

Even in the last eight years I’ve seen the narrative evolve enormously about how open we are as a society about baby death. But we’re at a crossroads. A few decades ago, people only talked about cancer in hushed tones and never in public. We’re standing at that junction now with this. We only move forward if people become more open to having these uncomfortable conversations. And as maternity professionals and students, you hold the key to that for wider society - because if we can’t get you comfortable talking about this uncomfortable issue openly, we have NO chance with the rest of society.⁣⁣

So please, ditch the trigger warnings. For a lot of bereaved parents, seeing “trigger warning: baby loss” is far more triggering than the content it’s obscuring - it’s a reminder of the invisible pane of glass we’re stuck on the wrong side of forever. ⁣⁣

It’s time to really break this particular taboo, and it starts with you.'⁣

Links Chris mentions:

3D casts via Judah's Cloud: https://www.facebook.com/judahscloud/

Remember My Baby cold cots: https://www.facebook.com/remembermybaby/

4Louis Memory Boxes: https://www.facebook.com/4louis.charity/

Charity and training from Beyond Bea: https://www.facebook.com/beyondbeacharity/