[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟏𝟗] 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞⁣

[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟏𝟗] 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞⁣
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I'm a long-time cyclist, don't own a car, and though I'll need one at some point, I adore my commutes as a time to think and wind down. I’m from Cambridge and have internalised being a bike person.⁣
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However, I’m 33, and I don’t have a driving licence. This is getting annoying as one day I might want a family, and a car will make childcare simpler. That’s the reason I tell everyone. But the real reason that tipped me over into booking lessons is: I don’t feel like a real adult because I don’t have a driving licence. ⁣
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So I’m currently doing a ten day intensive course. In objective terms, this is not going well. I’ve nearly killed both myself and my instructor many times. I’ve attempted to put the car into reverse on a dual carriageway. I can’t get it through my head that roundabouts have lanes - I know this on an intellectual level, but as I come up to a roundabout, my arms always take me to the right, regardless of where I want to come off. When I come up to a hazard, say another car trying to get past quickly, instead of slowing down and thinking, I’m more likely to serve into the pavement. As the driving instructor says, I control for one hazard by making another. If that’s not an accurate summary of adult life, I don’t know what is.⁣
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The driving instructor is that rare find: a good teacher who likes teaching. That’s enough for me to warm up to him and enjoy his company. He doesn’t seem irritated by my being a total idiot. You can see him thinking, 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘢𝘳. I am mysterious to him. I should tell him I’m also a writer, I think he’d get it after that.⁣
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The driving thing is changing me. Or it’s making a change I’ve gone through more obvious. Eight years ago, I had the odd driving lesson and panicked about it. But now I know however much I panic, it is not going to help. I just need exposure and practice. I’m happy to fail in front of Adrian (barring both of us ending up in A and E) because that’s his job, and he’s safe. I also think driving before was something I believed I wasn’t good enough to do. It was a way of saying, I’m not quite ready to be an adult yet; I’m subpar.⁣
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These days I don’t believe that. I believe my hand-eye coordination and ability to learn new spatial awareness-based skills are below average. But I also know that doesn’t matter very much. It’ll come slower than to someone good at that stuff, and it’ll be expensive and, at times, embarrassing. But so what? I’ve set my life up so I know the value of asking for help. I know that ability helps me in practice when I come across a struggling client or a student who doesn’t know what they’re doing yet. ⁣

Learning to drive is the perfect reminder that I am already an adult. Dealing with failure cheerfully is the best proof of adulthood I could have. Being an adult is not proven by my taking and passing a driving test. I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but if not, there's always my bike.⁣
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All my best,⁣
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Ellie.⁣⁣