[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟐] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐞𝐧𝐬 ⁣⁣

8 Feb

[𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟐] 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐞𝐧𝐬 ⁣⁣

⁣⁣𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝟸𝟷-𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 '𝘎𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨', 𝘪.𝘦. 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦.

I grew up in Cambridge, and outside the city, we have the Fens, a farming landscape defined by its flatness and large skies. It all used to be underwater, and sometimes it feels like the place is waiting to sink back into the swamp that it was built on. I once saw BBC archive footage of a postman trying to get mail to a rural Fens address, and he was rowing a boat up a ruler-straight drainage ditch, into the mist, like he was dropping off post to Hades. ‘Liminal’ is what someone else who grew up around here calls it. Close to the boundaries. Teaming with possibility.⁣⁣

In therapy today, we used a modality that I keep hearing reviewed on podcasts at the moment. It's called 'Internal Family Systems' and suggests the mind is naturally multiple. We have many parts of our personalities that conflict with each other, try to protect each other, and generally make a racket in there. It’s hard to explain what this therapy is like without experiencing it, but you get to know the various parts and talk to them. Asking them to stand down can help you see what other versions of you are underneath. It sounds like multiple personality disorder, but the model suggests this is just the natural state of things. If you’re sitting on a sofa there are lots of your subpersonalities all lined up beside you.⁣⁣

This theory cropped up in the 80s, but I don’t think it’s new. The 13th-century Persian poet Rumi wrote ‘T𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘭...𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘭!’ In therapy, we joked that perhaps my subpersonalities have subpersonalities as well. It could be fractal, with bits of us stretching off to infinity. No wonder getting anything done in therapy is so much work.⁣⁣

Most landscapes have been shaped by humans, but you can see it with the Fens so clearly. There are layers of interventions and effects. And yet there is still lots of open space and opportunities. Sometimes, out of the train window, all you can see is water, like it's the sea. Despite the area being managed for 400 years+, on occasion, the best thing to do is to let it flood. Are you seeing the parallels with being a human being? ⁣⁣

One of the other reasons I like the Fens is the horizon goes on forever, uninterrupted by hills or mountains. It helps me think without crowding my thoughts. I find it fascinating that the landscape around me appears to be trying to teach me something. It’s just my brain trying to integrate new knowledge from therapy and old knowledge about myself, but I love it.⁣⁣

I am desperate to sort out my anxiety in a 21-day writing challenge and that’s a great goal. But it’s a much bigger task than that, probably a life-long one. The Fens wasn’t drained in a day. A bit of gentleness would not go amiss. Like with midwifery itself, I do not have all the answers and I never will.⁣⁣

To your needs,⁣⁣

Ellie⁣⁣

p.s.⁣⁣

In part I'm writing this series to help launch my new book, ‘Becoming a Midwife: A Student’s Guide’: shorturl.at/bpLQT⁣⁣

⁣It's out 23/2/23.