Blog on Failure and Repeating Second Year - an Interview with Student Midwife Olivia
If you fail an assignment on a midwifery degree, you will get an opportunity to try again. If you go on to fail an assignment in that module for the second time, you will generally need to repeat the year. Olivia and I have talked a few times because she found herself in this position. It was a little more complicated than that, some deadlines weren’t made clear, and there were other factors...but the outcome was that Olivia needs to repeat her second year.
After a rough few weeks, Olivia discovered a few things: a) there’s hardly any information out there for people who are taking some time out from a midwifery degree (hence this blog), b) after feeling horribly alone for a while, she found quite a few others who are in the same position, and c) having a mandatory break from midwifery is actually the best thing that could have happened.
I’ve changed Olivia’s name and some identifiable details to protect her anonymity, and of course, this has been posted with her permission.
So how’s it going? What’s the plan now you’ve had a few weeks to think about things?
I’m going to start again in September. I'm going back to my original hospitals, which I’m happy about. So that’s settled.
Okay, so you've got a good ten months out. Do you mind me asking how it works with the student loan company?
They give you a choice. They either start to take some money back from now or deduct an amount from future loans. So as it stands there will be financial implications, which is a shame. However, I plan to have a conversation with them and see what else could be arranged because I’ll be paying my student loan off for the next 30 years anyway so I wonder if they could stretch to a few more months…
It’s worth talking to them. It gets so scary because these are words like ‘loan’ and ‘money’ and ‘interest’, but it’s not a type of loan which would impact your credit rating.
Yeah, it’s not like people will turn up and take your TV! When I first realised I was in this situation, I was thinking I owe £2,100, and they’ll be asking for that immediately. But that’s not the case at all. They work it out with you. I did loads of frantic research to work out what the next steps were, because I couldn’t find anything online about taking a break in midwifery studies. And I thought if I ring Student Finance, I’ll be shooting myself in the foot. But for anyone else working out how they’re going to handle a break in studies: just ring them. You’re not attracting attention that will work out badly for you; it’s all just stuff that needs sorting out.
Well said. If you’re okay with me asking, are you going to go on the bank as a healthcare assistant or something like that for income during this time?
Well, that’s taken a 180 turn that I didn’t expect. I’ve actually been signed off by the community mental health team. They've been so, so supportive. I'd be lost without them.
Wonderful! I’m so glad. So you went to see your GP and then you got referred onwards?
Yes, I have a member of the mental health team who is signposting me to lots of different resources and classes. And then I’ll be seeing the consultant psychiatrist at some point.
Great. But I’m guessing psychotherapy or counselling is a long wait on the NHS currently?
Yes, but there might be something available through my university. We’ll see.
Is there any other advice you’d give to someone in your position?
There are loads of blogs about people leaving midwifery for a career change or having maternity leave, but nothing about what happens when you've failed. That’s a tough pill to swallow at the end of the day. When I realised what had happened, it felt like my entire universe shattered. Cut to a few days later, and I wasn't sleeping, I had muscle aches, my hair started to fall out in big chunks...I never knew how much one thing could impact you from head to toe. It’s so hefty, and it finds its way into every part of life.
But I also didn’t know how many people leave being a student midwife and come back. They take time off for their mental health or because they failed a module. I had no clue. It felt like it was quite literally just me who was going through this, but there have been several other girls in my cohort as well.
The figures I’ve read suggest that midwifery has a 30% attrition rate but 8.5% of students who take a break will come back (Astrup, 2018). So you’re definitely not alone. Can I ask, when we talked last time, you mentioned you wanted to spend some time working on your academic skills. How’s that going?
Yeah, so there were all the links and resources we discussed (see end of the interview for a list of these).
I’ve also spent some time looking through all my grades, and getting clear on my strengths and weaknesses. I didn't do the best in the first year, and I didn't look at my feedback all that much. But now I’ve looked I’ve noticed that anything I had to verbally present was a few marks off a first every single time. But when it came to written work, I was barely scraping a third. It’s clear that I need to be working on the written element. If I can get good grades in presenting, which involves doing my own research and thought process, then I've got to be able to do better than a third on my written work.
I’m convinced grades have little to do with intelligence and everything to do with technique. And if you're only a couple of marks off, it's probably just you're not used to what they’re asking you to do?
Yeah. I’m in the middle of screening for ADHD and dyslexia; I’ve now got time to get those things sorted. I'm just taking it week by week, but now I'm at a point where it's not upsetting to think about going through old pieces of work and reading through. Up until recently, I’d try and read midwifery textbooks and think I'm gonna cry. It was such salt in the wound of something I love so much. But yeah, now I’m going to read around the subject and learn to write academically.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and are beginning to get back to what you want to learn. Are you a podcast person? I’m mainlining Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown at the moment. She’s an actress who also has a PhD in Neuroscience, and she’s had struggles with mental illness. The tagline is ‘where we break things down so you don’t have to’. I’ve found it helpful.
That sounds cool. The big thing for me is that I’m in my early twenties, and two weeks ago when I was still coming to terms with all this, the idea of ten months felt like an absolute lifetime. I just want to tell anyone else in this position that the world keeps moving and you will get there. I thought that I would be by default a lesser midwife than my peers who got to graduate on time But ten months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and, you will still be able to qualify and it does get better. It just takes time.
That's powerful. I think back to when I was at college and then Uni we weren’t on the internet as much. I’m from Cambridge, it’s a weird place in terms of academic competition, so that was hard enough. But I do think it’s even harder to avoid being sucked into the comparison game these days.
Yeah, everyone follows everyone, your whole cohort is on Instagram. You're exposed to everyone in their uniforms saying ‘I've just delivered my 15th baby’ and you're there crying hysterically over a bottle of wine thinking my whole life is ruined. But you forget that actually, whilst they've put up a lovely photo of them talking about a birth, it has probably been a 12-and-a-half-hour shift with no air con. They've cried a couple of times. So when you leave, you romanticise everything, and you forget how difficult it can be. You need to look at each other as a whole people, not just a photo.
I had no idea how much some of my student colleagues were struggling. It took for one of my closest cohort friends to break down and cry saying, I feel like I'm doing horrifically compared to you, for me to open up and say, I've cried so many times over this. If you’re in a situation where one of your clients has nearly died, you’re not going to mention that anywhere, for obvious reasons. But if you're going to talk about the highs, you should work out how to even it out with the lows; otherwise, people are gonna get the wrong idea. Some Instagram accounts look like picture-perfect midwifery, getting firsts on everything. But it's about being able to remind yourself that actually, that doesn't exist without the lows. If we can comprehend the models we see on the cover of Vogue are not actual representations of the average woman because that's Photoshop and such, we should be able to see that what our colleagues are putting on the internet isn't as accurate. It's the same thing.
Agreed. Is there anything else you’d like to mention?
We’re all familiar with the NHS values like being courageous and kind and standing up for your patients. But we never apply that to ourselves. We give it to everyone but us. You can't embody the values of the NHS if you're ignoring yourself.
I'm seeing so many positives about 10 months off. My sister came to visit yesterday. And I was talking about the fact that actually, I've only been two steps in front of this huge cloud of exhaustion and trying to keep up with midwifery and mental health and all of these things. If I hadn't failed this module, I don’t know how much longer I would have stayed one step ahead, because it was catching up on me so quickly. And now I‘m in a position where it is okay for this time to happen and to get the help I need. But God forbid if it had happened in my third year, or at a different point. I think the outcome would have been worse. This is probably for the best.
I’m slightly envious, I think, a good ten months off in the middle of my training would have changed a lot of things.
Yes! I looked at some of my girls in my year, and I think you guys need to sleep in for weeks and just love yourselves a little bit. So hopefully I can remember that perspective when I go back. Take some time for yourselves, you gorgeous people!
Resources List:
Brené Brown - any of her books would be helpful, I think Daring Greatly might be a good one to start with
NUS - National Union of Students
RCM - Royal College of Midwives
ARM - Midwives Haven
The Girl Tribe - Facebook Group (run by midwife Hana Young)
Mumma Unexpected - Hana Young (on Facebook)
Academic Resources:
Ali Abdaal - memory and revision - check YouTube and his website
Dr Amina Yonis - YouTube
Make it Stick - Peter C. Brown
Anki - free revision card app
Informed is Best - Amy Brown
How to Read a Paper - Trisha Greenhalgh
Sarawickham.com - Dr of Midwifery - check out her website, and book Appraising Research into Childbirth
Reference mentioned:
Astrup, J. (2018) ‘Blown off course.’ Midwives Vol. 21, (Winter 2018): 36-40.
P.s. Tomorrow I’m running the pilot of ‘Midwifery Safe House’, which is a place to give each other support. I'm running it as 'Pay What You Can'. I’d love to see you there. Click here to see the anonymous question we’ll be addressing and to sign up.
