𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝟸𝟷-𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘧 '𝘎𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨', 𝘪.𝘦. 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘥𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦

⁣I found my first grey hairs. I’ve got two of them by my temple, on the right side. I am so excited about this. Try being 4ft 11 inches with a young-looking face and you’d be excited to gain some gravitas too. I also think grey hair looks great on women. C’mon, I’m a midwife, soon I’ll look like the one I imagined in my head when I signed up.

This brings me to a decision I made around six months ago. Despite how cool I think greys are, I’m hoping this decision did not lead to them. You might know that in 2021 I started taking amitriptyline, a tricyclic antidepressant. It was for a condition called vestibular migraines, which cause dizziness and other inner ear symptoms. It worked for that as it helps with nerve pain. But it also had other effects. My doctor friend tells me that the dose of 50mg is actually a pretty small amount to be taken for mental illness, but for me, it had a profound impact on my anxiety. In a good way. Suddenly all the CBT tools I try to use, journaling and so on, were easy to work through. My emotions were easy to manage.

In September, however, I came off amitriptyline. This was for a lot of reasons but one was that I didn’t want to be on unnecessary medication long-term. And so after six weeks of stepping down the dose, and another six weeks of the effects shedding from my psyche like a tree shedding its leaves, I’m back to being myself again. CBT seems to have a limited impact on anxiety now, all the tools I had before are more problematic than they used to be. 

Going on to amitriptyline in the first place was hard. I cried when I picked the prescription up, it wasn’t something I wanted to start. But coming off it was harder in some ways. I didn’t want to give up my improved migraine situation, so it was a wrench. I had a bit of rebound, which meant the migraines came back. I rode that out. And then the old fears about everything started to creep back in...

The thing is, I put one hand on my chest and one hand on my stomach* and breathe and the anxiety fades. I write and the anxiety fades. I stand by a river, or even just by a tree outside the hospital moving in the wind, and it fades. Every time I get it, the anxiety feels like the most real thing in the universe, like it will always be present. When I begin one of these activities, it always recedes and usually slips away entirely.

I feel like some of my most important work is around how to feel anxiety and still live a life as a worthy and fulfilled human being. That anxiety is never going away. It’s part of me. And though medicating for anxiety is a vital part of some people’s lives (people I love, no less), I do not want to run from myself because I don’t believe I have a medical issue, more a philosophical one.

I still get migraines. Naps, eating regularly, hydration, light exercise and sleeping through the night all help. Just like my grey hairs, the migraines and the anxiety are trying to tell me something. My time on this planet is likely more than a third gone; I am excited to see that reflected in the hair growing out of the place where my skull bones fuse. I feel like they are rooted in the time I’ve had to think so far, connected to everything I’ve done. I’m ready for you to visit again, anxiety. Me and my grey hairs are ready for you. 

To your needs,

⁣Ellie.⁣

⁣⁣⁣p.s.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣In part I'm writing this series to help launch my new book, ‘Becoming a Midwife: A Student’s Guide’. It's out 23/2/23. ⁣⁣

⁣⁣I am bad at getting these up on the website each day I'm writing them, but if you want to get them without delay, subscribe to the midwifediaries.com mailing list.

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