[๐๐๐ฒ ๐] ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ญ ๐๐๐ ๐๐จ๐จ๐ค๐๐จ๐จ๐คโฃ
๐๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฌ ๐จ๐ ๐๐ข๐ฆ๐, ๐๐ซ๐๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ข๐๐๐ซ๐ข๐จ๐ฎ๐ฌ ๐๐๐ฌ๐ข๐ฅ๐ข๐๐ง๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐๐ข๐๐ฐ๐ข๐๐๐ซ๐ฒ
[๐๐๐ฒ ๐] ๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐๐ญ ๐๐๐ ๐๐จ๐จ๐ค๐๐จ๐จ๐คโฃ
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Jason and I were playing โguess the calorieโ yesterday. Itโs depressing to realise how accurately I still know this stuff. An olive, about 9 calories. Two scoops of vanilla ice cream, 200 ish. A tablespoon of peanut butter, 90 calories. Jason has a really good memory. Names, dates, and how machinery works are all things he can hear one time and then remember forever. Hanging out with Jason can be like hanging out with Wikipedia. But he doesnโt know his calories. โฃ
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On my bookshelf is โThe Beat PMT Cookbook'. I donโt get PMT, but I was getting some other symptoms, and someone thought I might like it. There diet books for every occasion. I remember going on holiday to Norway as a kid (it was a trip as part of a choir project I was part of), and I wanted to take Weight Watchers points books with me. I was 14 or so. Also that year, I remember visiting my sister in Bristol. She was out working during the day. This meant I could fast. In the evening, I got accused of not eating enough dinner (true) and just said I wasnโt hungry. It was summer, and I was staying in a bedroom belonging to one of her male flatmates. I went to sleep with my stomach rumbling, on a bed under a life-sized poster of Britney Spears and her bare abdomen.โฃ
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I don't blame anyone re the diet books. At the time, it was centred as health information. It was the 90s and 2000s, so I would have been found that stuff anyway. Girls watched Americaโs Next Top Model, and when we felt hungry, we were encouraged to drink a glass of water.โฃ
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I do wonder what everyone was thinking about letting that kind of self-hatred into the room with children. I surmised, accurately, that if I couldnโt be thin enough to look amazing in skinny jeans, I should at least have a mild eating disorder. It was about self-respect. The problem was, I lived in Cambridge so I cycled everywhere instead of driving. I'm not sure if I tipped into anorexia or I was just your average teenager, but especially during my A-levels, I certainly lost track of how thin I was.โฃ
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Just another way in which you canโt let culture decide what you think and feel. Fifteen years later, I am still unpacking what was going on with food. Midwifery is a female-dominated profession, and we're socialised to be self-sacrificing. Always look at the water youโre swimming in. Take the things that are useful and trust yourself to let the things that are damaging fall away.โฃ
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All my best,โฃ
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Ellie.โฃ