I was first asked about how to cope with being rejected by a midwifery client by a student I'll call Alana. I thought it was a really great question because every midwife I know has been in this situation at some point.
When you're rejected, it can feel really awful. As midwives we tend to put our everything into care, so when someone doesn't like us, it can be painful!
Here are 5 ways of coping, making up a 'rejection situation' plan:
1. If it’s really hurtful, give yourself time. This is easier said than done on a busy shift. But even if it’s manic, be kind to yourself. Make sure you vent or cry when you get home. Don’t neglect your feelings of disappointment if they come.
2. Don’t think you’re special! Sorry - you’re not. You’re in good company, there’s no midwife who’s perfect for every client! We've all been rejected in some way or another.
3. Don’t let it affect what you think of yourself. It’s essential not to let this once incident colour what you think of everything else in midwifery, and you
r life. The client in question could have all kinds of reasons for refusing your care that have nothing much to do with you.
4. Don’t make any decisions about the quality of your care while you’re still upset. Take some self-care time (you know, exercise, eat really healthy food, catch up on sleep, watch Peaky Blinders, or Sherlock, or whatever your guilty pleasure TV show is right now. You’ll need a midwifery mate to talk things through to work out when you’re calm again. If you need to talk and there’s no-one free, pop over to The Secret Community For Midwives In The Making, who are a friendly bunch who will give you some support.
5. Assess and Reflect. You’ll need to assess the criticism to see whether there’s anything you can learn. Sometimes women have very high expectations of midwifery care, and I think this is a brilliant thing. The feedback can be astoundingly good at tweaking your current practice, letting you reflect on things you can adjust to make your care better.
Or you might think hard about it and realise the client's choice was nothing to do with you at all!
I really hope you found this video helpful. Please let me know if you've been rejected by a midwifery client and how you coped - or have you been a client or patient who rejected a practitioner? Do you have anything to add we can learn from?
Welcome to the world of men in Midwifery every week 😀
Ultimately this is the birth experience of the women that we care for. We do it for them and we want them to have the best pregnancy and birth experience possible and sometimes we don’t fit into the picture they had. This is not about us.
There are two sides to this story though, a lot of women choose to have me look after them because they (perhaps wrongly) assume I’m more knowledgeable and/or see authority in my gender.
My advice to all my students is “move on, this women may not want you but there are thousands out there who need you right now”.
Thanks Annon, that’s brilliant advice. ‘It’s not about us’ – indeed. How did you find training as a midwife?
I wrote a long reply, but apparently it timed out and so your website ate the comprehensive response.
It boils down to: I’ve been qualified a few years, and I got many rejections, I still do. It is what it is, and I’ve qualified now.
Aw, Annon, I’m gutted, would have loved to see your reply in full! I’m about to move house, but at some point would you be interested in doing a skype interview with me so I can make a video for other male midwives, especially students and applicants? I’ll also look into why that happened with my provider. I think we could do with some more male midwives to balance things out in the career – I’m in contact with one male midwifery student but I know there’s a need for a bit more support out there. Thanks for your comment!
I’ll contact you through your contact page. 🙂
I have retired, in 35 years most mums enjoy your care but you will all find some clients who want someone older,younger ,who has children ,who fits a dream profile just do the best you can and be true to yourself and all will be fine.