I really wish I wasn't writing this.
But I'm researching for a conference on bullying I'm putting together and I've been chatting to midwives and students about their experiences.
I wanted to share a good strategy I'm come across for dealing with bullying.
The outpouring of grief and injustice on the end of my mobile has been hard to listen to, especially as I have personal experience of bullying.
I was bullied both as a student and a qualified midwife.
The worst of it included having someone who was much more experienced and physically bigger than me shouting with her face an inch from mine.
It was on a late shift and I knew the midwife in question was going home the same way as me. But she was in a car and I was on my bike. In that moment, I was truly concerned she might be angry enough to knock me off as it was an isolated rural area and no-one would find out.
Paranoia, maybe, but she made my life very difficult for a long stretch, to the point of feeling sick before coming in to shift.
Luckily, I had some excellent colleagues who supported me through it and I don't think it ever impacted care. But if I'd have been in a different environment, it definitely would have started to affect how I behaved around women and babies. I was most scared of this because I knew I'd never forgive myself if I was intimidated into making mistakes.
I'm really hoping that change is coming.
The 'Caring For You Campaign' from the Royal College of Midwives, the 'Bullying Toolkit' from the Royal College of Midwives and Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, and the countless references in government reports and other official documents on the importance of a good culture at work for midwives makes me hopeful.
Certainly, we're talking about bullying in a way that wasn't possible back when I was training in 2007. That's why I think the time is right for the conference.
Today I want to share with you a technique from an experienced male midwife. This advice was given to a student midwife who had such a hard time that she left the course, but I'm thrilled to say is now reapplying. It offers some amazing insight into midwifery and why these issues are here in the first place.
Andy says...
'Not all of us are like your mentor, in fact, the overwhelming majority aren't. We all have bad days, which affect our ability to interact with others, and the world around us.
I certainly do, and I'm not proud at the way I have acted. It's a sad fact that for many old school midwives, who may have started as nurses, their training took that form. They were taught via humiliation. A student nurse learned quickly because she was too scared not to. It wasn't a valuable learning experience unless a student cried. I'm not exaggerating. Read some nurse autobiographies.
Because they were taught that way, they follow suit. It's not robust learning, it's bullying. The world has moved on, but some are too set in their ways to change.
The great sadness is that these midwives have an enormous amount of knowledge that could be tapped, but you can't access it, and it will fizzle out when they retire.
I'm not seeking to make excuses, I'm trying to give context. I've met ratbags, we all have. The trick is to deal with them.
Being uber keen is one way. Think about saying something like: 'Gosh, I'm sorry I got that wrong, it's hard when you're a learner. I'd really love to learn the right way, so I can do it well.'
If you say this with a bright-eyed, this side of mickey taking expression, it works wonders. They don't know if you are flattering them or making fun.
With the right support you will find your own way. I hope you get back onto the course. It would be a great shame if your passion for midwifery was knackered by a poor experience. You will see that we're not like that person, that we are here to nurture the next generation of midwives, and that we take that role very, very seriously. And as I say, it would be nice if I can have a role in that.
May I also say that the bright eyed and bushy tailed approach even works if the student is, for example, a 34-year-old man... '
- Male midwife Andy Gorrell-Robbins
What I love about this is it's a helpful technique to use on the shop floor to address bullying just as it's starting. And it's from an experienced professional who has come out the other side.
I also admire the fact that Andy has broken the cycle so he is not teaching his own students using fear and humiliation. This kind of comment is proof we're moving on. And he's dead right about there being amazing knowledge from these mentors that could be passed on.
As a student or newly qualified midwife, you shouldn't need to use these kind of strategies. I'm hoping to address some issues with the conference I'm putting together.
But the issue crops up for many students and midwives at the moment - if you come across this behaviour and manage to address it using this technique and then manage to learn from that mentor to be able to use and pass on their wisdom....well, you've won, haven't you?
The conference I'm putting together has an amazing line up so far.
We have an OBE, amazing midwives who have changed practice against the odds and while being bullied, an incredible lecturer, a newly qualified midwife who astonishes me with her ability to be positive and change what she can, one of the midwives who helped put together the Caring For You Campaign, and someone very exciting who has researched bullying in midwifery...and they all have ideas to help change the culture.
Because we can't have any more students or midwives leaving over bullying, especially with the staffing challenges in midwifery at the moment.
And student, midwives and others being bullied as they try to care for women and families is just plain wrong!
I would love you input on this one, so we can work together and try to address things.
Leave me a comment letting me know:
1) Do you think this 'uber keen' technique will work for you?
2) Would you be able to attend a conference 30th September, in central Cambridge, 10am-5pm? (I'm just getting a feel for if the venue is ok, this is not commitment or anything 😉 )
Much love to everyone that's concerned about this, Ellie x
P.S. If you're interested in coming to the conference and want to be alerted when tickets are around, subscribe to MidwifeDiaries.com and you'll be first to know 🙂
Hi Ellie, Thank you for writing this post I have experienced bullying in my own line of work and will certainly try this technique when I start the midwifery course in September. I would love to know more about the conference in September, let us know more details about it.
Thanks Claudia, I will do!
Thanks for this post, what I really needed right now suffering as a student midwife and doubting whether this is the right job for me. I’ve had horrible experiences with mentors and even other midwives that I’m not even working with who are all the reason to this suffering. Does it really take a lot to be nice to a student? They all started off as one so why is there no sympathy? I’ll try to use the uber keen technique but still on the edge as to whether I should continue to second year 🙁
I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. It is really hard work when those around you are being unkind. Have you across across the ‘say no to bullying in midwifery’ facebook group? https://www.facebook.com/groups/saynotobullyinginmidwifery/ It’s a very complex situation with a lot of pressures on all. It shouldn’t be this way x
Hi Ellie, I am starting my Midwifery training in September at ARU in Cambridge so really excited to hear more about your conference!
Hi Kirsty, great stuff, congratulations! I think there’s some good midwifery stuff coming to Cambridge in general…
Hi Ellie, I would very much love to come to the conference.
I just wanted to put forward my own personal experience after reading the above re: old school nurses doing midwifery and mentoring through fear and humiliation.
I did my nursing degree 1990-1994 and I never had a nurse bully me throughout my time as a student. Maybe I was very lucky?
The mentor that bullied me when I was a student midwife was a direct entry midwife with8 years experience who felt I had no business doing midwifery as nursing and midwifery are completely different and “I didn’t get it!!” … “I was too caring”
As a nursing student, it was drilled in to me to be compassionate, empathetic, effective at communicating, good at listening and be a team player. These qualities were not displayed by a number of mentors I worked with in midwifery. When doing my midwifery degree it was very much about watching your back, being thick skinned and resilient and because midwives are autonomous, team work didn’t appear to come in to play unless the red buzzer was pulled and we had to work together in an emergency situation.
Of course this is my personal experience but one I know is shared by a number of nurses who have trained to be midwives in recent years.
Hi Kathryn, thanks so much for your comment. Great to hear you weren’t bullied as a nurse, this is as it should be 🙂 As we discussed, I wonder if midwifery comes with a different set of circumstances that predispose to bullying. I’ll keep looking into this!
It is a very important subject and a complex one. I have witnessed some very ‘clever’ bullying in my 26 years of practice. We are professionals and bullying is not. Cultures which reward professionalism maybe key? With tin that we need everyone to reflect on their communication, humility and processes. Individuals only get away with bullying because their setting ‘allows’ it. The best lesson I learned from the RCM course for workplace reps re bullying and harassment t was that the phrase ‘S/he is just like that’ is a trigger to let that individual know that being ‘like that’ is not acceptable. I know that some Trusts have identified ‘undermining behaviour champions’ – can you get hold of one for your conference? All the best with it. Look for solutions!
Thanks so much Jilly. I know we have a former union rep with experience in this area, hopefully things will become clear and I’ll see if I can find one of these champions!
I know it works – I have used it myself, not in midwifery (yet – starting my training in September), but in my previous career in IT, a male-dominated environment that didn’t take kindly, 20 years ago, to young women achieving – and a few of the older, more established women were some of the worst.
Thanks so much for posting this … the Trust I work in is having major issues with bullying and belittling across the workforce at the moment, from the students up to the consultants and it’s something that’s starting to be addressed but more needs to be done, I’d certainly be interested in the conference!
Hi Ellie,
Thank you very much for working on the bullying issue in midwifery. I haven’t experienced this (soon to be student! 😉 ), but I have been bullied at school for quite a few years. Although it is not the same as in the work place, the underlying issues and results are the same. It leaves such an impact on your formative years, when you are building yourself and your personality.
What I find strange, is that there is a difference between student nurses and student midwives. In the past (from all these autobiographies), we can see that the teaching was tough but everyone was in the same boat.
I wonder if bullying is more prevalent in midwifery because quite simply, the pressure is not the same and it takes its tol on midwives. this, and tiredness and personal issues, then it is no wonder midwives start bullying. But what can be a bad day shouldn’t become a habit to abuse a student!!
I think this “uber keen” approach will work well. Everyone loves feeling valued, especially on a bad day. And keeping this positive attitude all the time (well we can all try anyway!!) will do good with colleagues. I think many of them are just too warn out! 🙁
I will put this strategy in practice. Definitely. Because I know I am prone to bullying.
As for the conference it is great but I don’t know how I could manage to get there. 🙁
Thanks for your comment Caroline, we’ll have to see if we can think of a way of you coming…I hope there will be some good strategies around and I think many of us are prone to bullying, a quieter personality is no bad thing, both louder and quieter midwives are needed! But it may be us quieter ones need to strategise a bit more for this issue!